fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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