I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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