Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
