ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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