You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How external is "for external use only"?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
