she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
