im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
