Betty ford says i'm here all night
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
