Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
