If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize