she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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