I can text with my tongue
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
