I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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