im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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