the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
