i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
