Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
there is glitter all over my balls
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