things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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