Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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