Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
