I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
