her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
