Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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