I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
