Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
