i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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