dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
