Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
