I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
