new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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