Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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