I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
