i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
