just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
