Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
