He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
