I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
