I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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