Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
