and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
