News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
