I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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