I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
