Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
