I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
