Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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