My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
