hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
