I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
