i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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