i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
